Run quietly

Run quietly

Friday, August 25, 2017

Squamish Love

On my recent trip to Squamish, BC, I decided that I REALLY need to get back to writing. I love it. It organizes my thoughts, and makes it easier for me to identify what I am feeling. Part of my previous hesitation with it was who cares what I write? Now I don't even care who cares! I am going to write because I like it, and write about whatever comes to my mind, and if someone doesn't like it, well they can close the tab. Or tell their pals who much they didn't like it, which may in turn have more people reading it anyway. ;)

Now that I have that out of the way, I am going to start with HOW MUCH I LOVED SQUAMISH! I have been to Vancouver twice. And even though Squamish is only about an hour North of Vancouver, there is no comparison in my mind.

In the last year I have been stringent about who and what kind of energy I will allow in my life. I have created distance from anyone or anything who prefers it if I stay small or wants to blame their insecurities on me. As a direct result I have been able to begin to reveal an innate capacity to live on my own terms. I refuse to walk on egg shells for people and I refuse to fuel anyone's ego. And I am not sorry. In fact, I have never been happier, and every aspect of my life has had a positive up turn because of this.

It would have been hard to imagine my 8 year ago self climbing mountains and travelling to the places that call me now. I had been doing the "all inclusive" or the places that "everyone loved". I always came home wondering why I felt worse. Not understanding that comfort, consumerism, busy-ness, mass crowds, big city life and shopping were the last things on this planet that I truly craved. My favourite destinations this year have made me dirty, tired, sore, uncomfortable and hungry for more. Squamish was no exception.

I knew that upon return to Ontario, I need to make some changes. First, write more. A lot more. About any and all the things I want. Unapologetically. I will continue to focus intensely on the things that are important to me. This is how they will continue to grow and flourish. Lastly, because I have removed a lot of negativity and distraction, I have become more aware of the things that are calling me. I can recognize what I am actually going to enjoy, rather than what is just going to keep me "busy".  I am not really great at this yet, but I have definitely made improvements!

On the flight home from Squamish, I knew I couldn't be too disappointed, as my kids were waiting for us, and I am fortunate that I get to take them on a mini adventure of our own the following week. I still need to write about our last one, I am a bit behind!

Obviously this post didn't have a main point, but as my reintroduction back into blogging, I am happy I wrote it.
Post Squamish50 23km dirt!

Lake Girabaldi. 9km up and 9km down made a 4 hour and 25 min hike the day after the race. OUCH! So sore and tired, but the epic views replaced the pain with gratitude.

Peak 1 of Stawamus Chief. 535m of elevation gain over 3km. This was the day after the Girabaldi hike, and 2 days after the race. Muscle atrophy made more tolerable by red wine at the summit.

Climbing the rock face on the Stawamus Chief.

The heights the trees reach on the Squamish trails makes me dizzy!

One of the lookouts on the way up to Lake Girabaldi. We were lucky enough to have it to ourselves for a few moments. I am grateful for the deafening silence when I am up so high!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Thanks Boston, but I'm done with the Marathon.... For now.

Even with the simple title of this post, there are so many feelings, experiences and hours that were put into this one race. This post also may not be what some readers are hoping to read.

My daughter started JK this year, which left me with 6 hours in the day that I can fill with anything I like. Mostly, I enjoy being able to take clients during the day now, and not having to work every night. I could also forgo the 4:30am-5am wake ups that have been normal for so long, and run after I dropped the kids off at school.

Every runner I know who I idolize for their speed runs a lot. There is no way around that. More miles in your legs seems to correspond with faster times. So I decided that I was going to try what I once thought was impossible; to run 100 km a week.

Between December 12, 2016 and April 16, 2017 I hit 100km 8 times. I averaged 86km a week for the 18 weeks. In total I ran 1472km in the build up to the Boston Marathon. During those 18 weeks, I ran the Boxing Day 10 miler, and the Chilly Half Marathon; both with disappointing results.

In February, I decided to join the Longboat Road Runners. I am happy I was taken on by the head coach Timo! I had been training myself since late 2015, so taking the guess work out of training was nice.

In the weeks leading up to the race, I was becoming more annoyed with training than I was excited for the actual race. After I fell way short of what I thought I was capable of at the Chilly Half, I questioned whether running more is actually helping me or hurting me. My coach said he didn't think running less would leave me strong enough to run a good marathon. So I tried to plow onwards.

Here is my experience on training too much. What is most important to me is being able to feel good mentally and emotionally. When I am doing too much I know the signs from my body. Taking forever to fall asleep. Waking up repeatedly in the night. Short temper and easily annoyed during the day. Running at all is like pulling teeth. Weight gain of 5-6 lbs despite eating properly and high amounts of mileage. A swollen "puffy" look all over as if I am retaining water. Feeling terrible all day and night is not worth any race to me. Sorry folks, but not even Boston. By the time I displayed all these signs it was too late. Boston was a mere 20-ish days away. The taper couldn't come fast enough.

The race itself definitely delivered. The crowds at Boston cheer you like you are their family. They line the entire route from start to finish. I brought an iPod as I am accustomed to running alone sometimes in a long race, and it is a nice distraction. I couldn't even hear the thing; the crowds were so loud. It was wild!

Right before the race begins, two fighter jets fly over the start line. Already a race like no other! That gave me crazy goose bumps as my corral 1/8 began walking towards the starting mat. I found the first 8km very difficult to get around the crowds and get into a fluid pace. Around 10km they fanned out a bit and I didn't have to weave through anyone anymore.

As promised, my husband was at the 12km mark, in front of the Natick train station. It was great to see him, and at that point the race was flying by and I felt fantastic. Even when I hit the 21.1km mark in 1:32 I still felt really good. I made sure to drink at every water station, as well as grab a cup of water to dump on my head to try and stay cool.

The first hill hit around 27km I think? That seems to be where my pace goes out the window. This is also where I stopped sweating entirely and remember thinking "this may end badly". I wasn't acclimatized to the heat, and don't run well even in the middle of summer in Ontario. The heat combined with the Newton hills almost took me down. I pushed through as best as I could. From 30km onwards I refused to look at my watch or check my splits. I don't really remember any thoughts I had during the last 12km either.

My Wild Bruce Chase teammate/friend Kristin's husband spotted me at 35km and called out. It was so nice to hear my name and see someone I knew. That helped me push on. I saw my husband (who is the master supporter and spectator!) again at the 40km mark, and even though it was amazing to see him again, I was really just wanting to be finished. It gave me a final mental push, although I don't think it accounted to anything physically. I have read so many accounts of the final turn towards the finish line. The crowds are insane. You're almost there. You can see the finish. I'm such a finish line crier, and normally an epic event such as crossing the Boston Marathon finish line would solicit tears from me, but that day there were none. I was too dehydrated.

I crossed the line in 3:10:38. About 1 minute over my only other marathon time. That wasn't what I was thinking about though, as I slowly walked through the finishers chute. WATER was the only thing I was thinking about or looking for. I probably would have passed up my medal to get to water faster. Ha! The finish area was carnage! People laying on the ground, falling on the ground, medics rushing to them, people just sitting on the side of the road before making the 1km trek to the family waiting area, and runners being pushed in wheel chairs towards the medical tent. Crazy what a hot marathon can do to a person in comparison to a cool one. I'm not going to lie, the medics waiting on the sides every 10 feet or so with wheel chairs looked so tempting! I am thankful that I finished and didn't need medical services.

One question a lot of people have asked me is "would you do it again?".

After a month to reflect on this, right now my answer would have to be no.

But WHY?! Boston is the "holy grail" of running events! And for someone who is chasing the unicorn, my view point may seem outrageous or even offensive.

 I am grateful to have been able to do something that many people can only dream about. I am also grateful for being able to share the experience with others. I am still in awe of what the human body can do and tolerate. I have only run 2 marathons, and in each of them my limits were tested in totally different ways. My hard "no" has nothing to do with Boston as a race, and everything to do with the preparation, time and effort that goes into marathon training. As well as a large need in my life for those efforts to be allocated elsewhere.

To train "properly" for a marathon, I really only get 1 chance a year. Spring. That way I can train while my kids are in school without disrupting their life, and still being able to have a life myself. A fall marathon would mean 4am wakeups all week. Truthfully, I am not prepared to do that. I want to enjoy summer with my kids and not be exhausted and wiped out all the time. Paying for day care to run just seems ridiculous to me. For me, running should enhance life. Not be life.

So my priorities have changed again. And that's ok. For a long time I wanted to run a "fast" marathon. So I put in a TON of work, all to have the weather foil it. In running, nothing is guaranteed and what you put in may not necessarily be what you get back. And for now, I need a break from that. Shorter faster races will be the only thing on my running related horizon. My three year old 10km PB of 38:01 seems physically impossible to run now. That was off of 40km of running a week and no real speed work. That's also when I loved running the most. I need to get back to that place.

My plans to get back there involve the open communication with my coach, that I have been really appreciating. Scaling back the mileage, and forgoing the standard two workouts a week. If going down to one workout a week means I'm not as fast, but I feel well enough energy wise to enjoy the rest of my life, then I'm ok with that. Every cycle I have attempted two workouts a week, it isn't long before my nervous system is taxed and all those overtraining symptoms pop up.

One major thing I took away from Boston was how much love and support is around me! I was truly blown away by the amount of call, texts, well wishes and messages I received from my friends and family all over. At some low points in my life where I had made many wrong choices, I felt very alone. I am happy to say that that feeling is long gone. And many years of soul searching and realizing that I can choose what types of people and energies I allow around me has paid off! Thank you to everyone who took the time to reach out to me and support me. It means more than you all know. ♥♥♥

To my husband and kids who tolerated me through the thick of this - THANK YOU!

To my coach and Longboat team and previous team Grand River Endurance members- THANK YOU!

Thank you to Saucony Canada, as their shoes have gotten me through 2 marathons, a 50km and a plethora of shorter races without so much as a blister. How could I possibly have carried 5 gels if the shorts I wore on race day didn't have pockets!?

Special thank you to my friend Stephanie who pushed me to try running my first race in 2011 and hasn't stopped cheering for me since.

Next up is the Toronto Waterfront 10km! Since I really don't like running the 10km distance, I thought this was a perfect place to start. :)


Thursday, March 23, 2017

Self love starts with you.

"Mommy? Is jumping up and down exercise?"

A seemingly harmless question from my four year old daughter immediately had me thrown off.

"We jump up and down because it is fun, and because we like to move our bodies." Was my fast reply.

Without thinking I could have mistakenly said, "yes, it is!" As most parents' first instinct is to praise their children for making a correct observation. Although, I did not really see this as correct. I see it as part of a bigger issue that is rampant with young girls. Even grown women.

I became a personal trainer because of how movement, training, and the confidence it has brought me has changed my life. As a child I would count the minutes in school as they seemed to drag by. All the sitting literally left me bored to tears. I sometimes wonder how my life and the things I would have accomplished could be different if I had not been made to "learn" in a way that hindered my learning capabilities seemingly permanently. To this day, I despise sitting. While writing this, my mind is engaged, but by the end, my body is antsy. I thought that helping other women see that movement and the strength and confidence derived from it could change their lives on some level as well.

The issues young women and girls face today run much deeper than gaining fitness or loosing a few pounds. I have met women who are in the gym only because their tween or teenage daughter is depressed, lacking motivation and self worth. They want to be a role model for them. I have met young girls who dedicate the time to come to the gym, but their lack of self worth and therefore confidence hinders their progress. Even if physical pounds or inches are lost, the emotional baggage still weighs them down. Some have faced cancer diagnoses, or invasive surgeries. How about the all too common scenario of the woman who has grown children, or a thriving career, but knows that she needs to do something for herself. She not only has to face the challenges of creating a new habit, being able to put herself first and the physical objections her body will give her; but the hardest part of all will be deciding and believing that she is worthy of what she is trying to do for herself. If a young girl does not feel like she is worthy and deserving of good things, that feeling of despair and lack will be carried with her throughout everything life throws at her. Then that young girl may have children. Guess what the children learn. You cannot teach what you do not know.

The dialogue we use to describe our actions, reasons and motivations behind looking after ourselves needs to change. Rather than speak about "exercise" around children, or that part of looking after ourselves is to "exercise" our bodies, we need to talk about the things we love to do, and how they make us feel good. Children are not born to "hate" movement. Have you ever watched the doors of a school when the recess bell goes off, or it's time to go home? The doors FLY open. It is as if an explosion occurs, and it is all the energy and excitement of being free and able to move. Children need to move. Instead of speaking about a "diet", let's talk about fueling our bodies. If children are offered real food to eat, they will eat real food.

Clearly the issue is not about exercise, weight, diets, calories, fat, skinny or otherwise. The issue is worth. It is the lack of confidence, self love and strength that children are learning because that's what they have absorbed from their environment, or been told. This is a massive loss in a woman's life. When a mother does not have it, or is not actively trying to build it, her daughter will have a hard time learning it. The variables and circumstances that leave women feeling this way are in abundance. They can be culturally or socioeconomically rooted. Or in many cases, learned in their immediate environment. I do not have all the answers, but I can do my best with what I know; with my children and the women I meet.

This is a massive issue that will continue to plague women everywhere. I work very hard to make a conscious choice every morning to choose my words with integrity around my children. I choose to embrace this daily rather than a traditional "career" because parenting is what matters most to me. That's not to say that working mothers do not think their children are important. And I know some women can handle it all, I simply cannot. So I focus on the few things that I do. I am far from perfect, and I make sure to apologise to them when I make a mistake. If I was to do only one thing really well in my entire life, it would be to raise two good people. Who love themselves, look after themselves, are kind to others, display empathy and know they are worthy of and deserve good things. This starts with me. They touch on it in schools, but what children live at home ultimately becomes their lives.

I hope to somehow inspire mothers and young girls to value themselves. I am not yet sure how I am going to do this. Bandaid solutions do not work for me. Fitness and wellness is one avenue, but may not be they key for all. For now, I will do what I can with what I know. Continue to learn and grow. But being able to guide my children in the best direction for them is my main goal. Always.